I am back

I am back ....
It has been a long time since i wrote and now i have so much to write about.
Me becoming a mom, catching up on so many of my friends that i thought i would never ever get to meet.
I always thought I was very patient but being a mom has taught what real 'Patience' is. Rusal( my little fartlet) is right now the Boss in my life. He dictates and demands and at times acts very difficult too. He knows how to get his work done. :)
Sal(my better half) is busy with his career or should i say our career. He works long hours and works longs hours and works long hours..... Yes it only means he is too busy. But he does take out enough time for Rusal and me... ( we both actually demand it :) ).

Rusal is 9 months old now.Has four teeth and crawls like a fish in the sea. He has this weird way of moving ahead.. he actually swims minus the water around though.

Rusal and I will be off on a trip soon. Will be meeting up with friends and grandparents. Sal will continue to be busy at work and will be catch up with us later in November.

BTW i attended Chocolate making classes... today i will try making some ..

That's all for now...
Will come back again and again and forever.

F1 ....

Off late I have been thinking just too much about job satisfaction and it has got nothing to do appraisal and bonus or the raise that one gets at this time of the year. It has more to do with what value-add am I doing to the society, my immediate surroundings at workplace and yes definitely to my self. Why am I starving my mind and heart by doing what I am doing? Does this organisation need me? What if I no longer lived would this place remember me to be a person who did make a difference to the workplace with her capabilities or would only my close friends remember me and cry for me for they know me very personally also.

I am going through another major change in life. I am moving towards motherhood. Yes dealing with morning sickness has been a pain. This change has also made me think what am I doing with life currently. The answer is difficult to get or probably I do not wish to accept the hard reality that I will have to stop thinking logically at work and just like another zombie … come… login…read mails….write mails…uploads…late nights…morning sickness… and some day maternity leave and then pack –off.

This is not what I want …… I want to be happy doing what I am doing……. I want to follow my dreams……
What are my dreams? Have a place of my own…… be independent and work only for myself not for any person who is just a designation and not worth it also. I want to make a mark of myself in this world…… I want to be remembered for my capabilities…. I want to make a difference in some one else’s life other than mine alone.

I am still trying to figure out a way where I can experience job satisfaction and not just the salary part …….
Wish me luck and if any of you have found answers to these questions in your life …….. Please share it with me.

Death of a relationship

Death of any creature small or big, huge or tiny, fair or dark causes a huge loss or vacuum in the surrounding and to whom their existence meant hope, love and life.

Wondering if relationships too die. Then what types of deaths do they have.
Never heard anyone say
"I broke off with GF today. Our relationship died of cancer. We called it off. The gradual pain we were going thru in this relationship was not bearable. No therapy could work."
"My Parents and I don't talk anymore. Our relationship died of a heart attack. They could not take it when I told them I was married to Chez GF."
"My husband and I separated. We don't feel the same for each anymore. Our relationship died as our counselor could not diagnose our problem and by the time the problem was diagnosed I was having an affair with my husband's best friend"

I wish I could categorize the end of a relationship in my life today.
I don't know if I should call it death caused due to cancer.....Maybe yes the pain was gradual ...... The vacuum will last my entire life. Like in cancer, I was told that this relationship could survive only for maybe maximum 2 years more. But unlike cancer where I would probably have a lot of loved ones trying to give me the best and not taking me for granted......Here I felt I was taken for granted, treated like not wanted.......So I decided not to go in for any kind of medication but to just end it.

My relationship with my best friend has ended today.......
There is pain and I know I have to bear it.....
Contradicting to what I wanted .....

Inox chayega....

Beep....Beep.....Beep Beep.........Goes my alarm at 5:00a.m in the morning.
struggle to get out of my bed...Walk towards to the clock with my eyes closed...and switch the beeping alarm off.

Take a shower,pull on my jeans and dig for a t-shirt ..realise it has a lot of partitions on it ....... iron it, wear by sneakers and wake my pal who is snoring away enjoying the morning sleep...... have an argument over why I did not make tea etc.....

Open the door and pick the newspaper .....hmmmmm what's new or news...students getting beaten up for protesting for their rights ...... women and men partying like there is no tomorrow...... but I see them on Page 3 of the next days newspaper again.. read about how Ash got herself hurt ...."When shooting for some.***** film Ash fell down from the bicycle and hurt her ankle. The director says she is fine now" .....

Neways I realise I am late..... Guilt starts growing "Oh, No I am late again" ...
quietly sneak out and desperately hunt for transportation......... finally some chap playing some Govinda number with the agarbatti smoke flying out stops by .....I ask .."Inox chayege?" he can't say much but nods his head .... and I thank the Lord.

I reach the destination and by now the guilt has grown on me ....... damn I am late again..... Bus bhaiya Inox ke gate ke pas roh do......just give him all the change I have and sprint ....run up the stairs.(Helps in burning some of my fat).....

Ask the guard to let me in ....... and he too reminds me that I am late today...
Rush to my seat ..... Login to my computer and open my Outlook......Send Receive ......OK now my day starts ........13 mails from one person......
Wondering whether guilt is killing me ........ no all of a sudden it has vanished ..as this is another long day in office ....

Now got to get back ........ another mail is waiting for my attention.

Friday

The feeling of being in office and not getting worked up.......... is a heavenly one.
Today as compared to the other days was wonderful one........so full of life........
All of a sudden I had a lot of people smiling at me......I saw a lot of the chaiwala bhaiya :) today.
The blue sky looked very refreshing .........reminded me of freedom.......freedom from work....bonded labour.

I had no mails in my outlook that demanded my attention.
I had no client sending me " I am UNHAPPY" mails.
I had no one telling "what are you doing so late in office. You have been here now for 12/14 hours already."
I did not hear " Why are doing so much of work? Look at me ......I have learnt my lesson."

And above all this is a weekend......
So will cook something new and surprise folks at home.

Will get prepared for "Manic Monday"